An Audience With Angels

Mommy has experienced a sharp decline in her health and state of being. This past weekend, she didn't want to get out of bed at all, but would allow John and I (it took both of us) to assist her to the bathroom. On Monday, she couldn't walk at all, and is experiencing such terrible pain all over that it feels like I'm "ripping all of her skin off" and "breaking her bones". She could do nothing, but cry out and say that I was "torturing her".

While struggling to change her and the bedding, I knew it was , without a doubt, time for the hospital bed. I asked the hospice nurse, Nicole, to order it for Tuesday.

Swallowing difficulties also came into the picture, and with that, the need to get some medications in liquid form- the others, I crush and add to a drink, which she can still swallow if I remind her to. She will not eat more than a few bites of food, at a time, and has to be reminded to chew and swallow.

Her legs have lost all muscle tone, and are swollen with retained fluid. She will probably not get up from the bed on her own, again.

To manage the pain, I am giving her liquid morphine, and to calm the agitation, Haldoperidol. You would think that those two (or even one of them) would knock her out, but they have quite the opposite effect.

They say that when a patient is near death, they report remarkable experiences and develop and expanded awareness which is called Near Death Awareness - a special knowledge about, and sometimes control over, the process of dying.

Mommy is experiencing all of the noted characteristics of this Awareness, and I spent the night in her room, listening to and recording all that transpired.

One of the characteristics is preparing for travel or change. She kept asking for her knob. "Knob?" I would ask. K-n-o-b, knob... after some time she realized the word she was looking for was "purse". You always have to have your purse when you go somewhere. She also said, "sign my will...", "be at church", and a "dressy dress".

The good news is, she is not alone - her room was filled with loved ones. She pointed some out to me:

"My mother is here, over there in the pink. "Please, please take me with you!"

Rae, "Here comes my big sister!" and Frieda were mentioned by name. There was such a crowd, and she was "holding court" - pointing and talking, waving, "hi". Some were standing in the room around her bed, others up at the ceiling. Her conversations and speech were more coherent than she has been in a long time (even when I spoke to her, she didn't have trouble hearing or comprehending). Once, as I entered the room she was talking to someone and smiling. She said, "Happy, happy, happy." Also, "I remember walking with you..."

She was trying to fold and fluff the comforter, "will need 2 dozen handkerchiefs".

"I hear a kid in there."

"What happened to Rae? I suppose she got married?"

"Eat more strawberries and garden products."

"Where're Mom and Dad? Do you have any idea?"

"Animal, caramel, general, muramel" ?

"I sound like I'm drunk, don't I, but I'm not."

She points and says, "My mommy" and next to that spot, "and my Daddy".

"When are we leaving?"

"Where are we going to?"

"I'll get to see a lot of them, there."

"Everything I brought out of here is going to a new city."

"We could go outside."

"Where is that sweet little kid?" (Janet?)

"... Christmas party... or Christmas..."

lists supplies for a big dinner, "of course, enough dishes are the problem."

"Everybody help... easier get together... beer, wine."

"I'm sure you remember, flowing water... I was laughing and laughing... "

"I'm not sure you were there for hugs... that's what it's all about... kids."

It may not be much longer, but at least we know she will not be lonely, and she seems happy to be going... so I am happy for her, too.