Lady In Red

* "A Christmas story, in October?" you might ask, but given the stores' early seasonal displays of Christmas merchandise in October, and that this is a Christmas shopping story... well, you see why it must be posted now, in October... to warn others, before it is too late.

~.~ A Cautionary Christmas Shopping Tale ~.~

When we were young, Mommy loaded us up in the Ford Club Wagon and took us out to Shreve City to shop for Christmas presents. We bought things that were not too expensive, but tried to customize each gift for the person we were purchasing it for.

On this occasion, Marty's and my friend, Jamie Easman, came along, and we went into a store called G. C. Murphy's. It was like a precursor to Wal-Mart or K-Mart with its variety of items.

I don't remember what I got for anyone else, but I do remember what I bought for Mommy... a lipstick called "Lady In Red".

It was the perfect gift, because she always wore red lipstick. I was very pleased with my choice for her, and promptly went to the cashier and paid for it.

The next series of decisions would mar my Christmas shopping experience, and scar me emotionally, for years to come.

I knew we'd be headed back out to the car, where Mommy would be waiting. I thought she might ask, "So what did you get?" - this was very flawed logic, as Marty always declared, "Christmas is a time for secrets!" - but, I didn't want to spoil my surprise of the perfect gift for her, by any hint of a package, and the packaging of the lipstick wouldn't fit in my pocket. I took the package out of the bag, removed the lipstick from the package, then threw package, bag and receipt in the nearby cosmetic area trash can. I put the lipstick in my pocket, happy because Mommy would be none the wiser about what would probably be the best Christmas present she was ever to receive!

As Marty and Jamie were still browsing, I stood around in the cosmetic area - just in case the gifts they were selecting were for me! : ), as I didn't want to spoil their surprise.

Before long, a pinched-face woman approached me, holding me by the shoulder, and said, "Come with me!"

She led me to an office in the back of the store, presented me to a stern man sitting in a desk.

"What's your name?" He barked.

Hey, I thought, this is no ordinary, dumb 5th grader you're dealing with, but an avid reader of Nancy Drew mysteries! I didn't want a police record, so I quickly answered, "Ann Elise"- No last name, as if Elise was my last name.

"Empty your pockets!" he ordered me.

By now I figured that the offense I was being charged with had to do with the lipstick in my pocket. Just to stall for time, I began to put out the schnibbles of Kleenex that I always had in my winter coat pocket, shredded by my habit of poking my thumbs through the tissue and tearing it to bits, looking like hamsters had made a nest there. After one pocketful, I could see the man was growing impatient, so from the second pocket, I ignored the other nest, and pulled out the offending lipstick and placed it on the desk.

"You stole this!" the man accused me.

"No, I didn't. I paid for it." I quickly explained my reasoning about Mommy waiting in the car and the element of surprise. "I put the package, bag and receipt in the trash can. I can show it to you."

The pinch-faced saleslady said she would take me to see if the cashier remembered me, grabbing my arm roughly and holding tight. The man warned her to "Watch her like a hawk!" (Yeah, I'm a hardened criminal!)

During my "incarceration" and interrogation in the back room, Marty had been a frantic mess. She hadn't seen the woman lead me away, but Jamie had, and told her "a lady came and took Annie away".

The woman took me to the harried cashier station to check out my story. To my horror, NO ONE remembered me! I reminded her that my package and receipt were in a place that I could show her, and I prayed that no one had since emptied the trash!

She warily let me (in her firm grasp) lead her to the cosmetic area, where I produced the evidence of my legal purchase! Vindicated, I asked for the lipstick back, and without so much as a "We are sorry to have falsely accused you and scared you, and your sister and friend who thought you were kidnapped", they admonished me, "Don't you EVER take something out of the package in the store again!"

We left the store and hastened to the waiting van. Mommy, seeing all of our white faces, knew something was up. She asked what was wrong.

The whole sordid tale of woe - my false arrest and imprisonment (under my "assumed" name), my "kidnapping" and eventual joyous return... and worst of all the spoiled surprise of the "Best Christmas Present EVER!", the "Lady In Red" lipstick - poured out of us, like water over Niagara Falls, in a tumbled rush of words and emotions.

I vowed never to go into that store again, for as long as I lived!

On Christmas morning, Mommy was overjoyed by her lovely lipstick and my thoughtful gift and heroic, though thwarted, actions to keep it a Christmas surprise. I reveled in the joy of knowing that I had indeed given her the most perfect gift, and a truly Merry Christmas.

~.~