Unwilling Time Traveler

When I was growing up, one of my favorite movies was "The Time Machine". The concept of time travel, and having the ability to experience, first-hand, so many periods in time were intriguing. I was fascinated by the way they portrayed the passage of time, as demonstrated by the changing outfits of the mannequin in the store window across the street from the inventor's solarium/ laboratory.

A later show on television "Quantum Leap" also dealt with time travel. The character of Dr. Sam Beckett's experiments lead to his "leaping" or transporting into different times, into different bodies. They soon discover that the lab is no longer in control of the experiment, but that some unknown source is in charge of who Sam leaps into next, after he fulfills his mission of "setting right what once went wrong" in his present situation. One of his co-workers, Al, is able to appear, only to Sam, to help guide him as they try to discover what Sam is there to "set right". Sam needs Al's assistance to know his mission in that persona, but also, we are told because Sam's memory is like "Swiss cheese"... full of holes.

Mommy is something of a time traveler. Her memory is full of holes, and she is "leaping" from time period to time period. But she has no "Al" to guide her. No point of reference to give her a clue. She's lost, wandering aimlessly, stumbling in the dark in an unfamiliar room.

She is always surprised by the way ranch houses are so low, not like the houses she's used to or lived in (We've reminded her that she lived in a ranch house for 48 years, but she looks doubtfully at us, and says she can't remember it), she's remembering living in Saginaw with Mama and Papa.

She remembers Holy Cross, the church and school that she went to for elementary though 8th grade, but now confuses it with St. Paul. She told us recently that they changed the name of Holy Cross to St.Paul. She adds that they voted on it when she was still a child.

She is always surprised when she looks in the mirror, as if she expected to see someone (younger version of herself) other than what she sees. She asks, every time I wash her hair, "What color is it now?"

She is having more and more difficulty dressing. She really has difficulty even figuring out how to put clothing items on, so resorts to a few tried and true items that she can figure out. I often have to help her change to something warmer or try to make adjustments, when we can, or go with the flow if she is too frustrated by it.

She can remember instances, like her sons blowing things up, but it's in bits and pieces that are sparked by a trigger then gone in an instant... much like their homemade experiments.

She's lately been concerned that she never hears from her family. We tell her that, yes, she's heard from Linda, and that Herman and Linda called the other day... "I mean my brothers and sisters, Rae..." after some time and thought, she eventually realizes that they are all gone.

On Christmas, she worried that she hasn't gotten anything for her dad.

To try to make some sense of all of the mixed memories and perceived facts, she makes little stories-

She wants to walk in the woods, because she and I did when I was younger. There's a house back there in a clearing...

She explains things that she can't remember the reason for, like not driving any more. In her present mind, she no longer drives because of her depth perception problems, she didn't pass the eye exam (rather than we just phased it out by not bringing her car over here, until she realized that she probably couldn't do it anymore).

For all of her time travel experiences, she is an unwilling participant... often lost and confused.
Sometimes when, out of frustration, I have to remind myself that her brain is not working like she and I would want it to, I think how awful it is for her (when she's aware of it) to be so confused.

Like Sam, she is no longer in control, but at the mercy of some other source... and like Dr.Beckett, she is... "hoping each time, that the next leap will be the leap home", and everything will be back to normal.