Friday, November 25, 2011

"God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again"


On November 23, Mommy left us for her new heavenly home.

The warm, loving woman, who had been our mother and grandmother, was now just the earthly vessel - emptied of her spirit - her light, humor, faith and love.

The lovely, yet-unlined face held no expression.
Her blue eyes, held no sparkle.
Her hands that helped to guide us, held us up, and comforted and soothed us, were still.
Her hair was matted from our being unable to brush it, in the last couple of weeks.
Her body, so thin from weight lost in being unable to take in nourishment,

But her spirit soared to the heavens.
Her pleas to her mommy to "Please, please take me with you!" were answered.
Her body's pain was ended.
Her memories were restored.

Her light, humor, faith and love will linger here with all of us... to remember, to share, to cherish.

God bless and keep each and every one of us. Let us find solace in our memories of her, and peace in the Faith that she gave us. Let us honor her love for us with love for one another.


~*~*~*~*

I have felt that I have been in a race with time - to hurry and finish all of the stories I share here with all of you,
But I realized that, just because her life is at an end,
The cherished memories that we have to share, will go on...
So, I don't have to be finished.
The memories and family stories, will go on for as long as we have them, in our hearts and minds
For as long as we tell them - or humbly record them here.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Angels Circling


Linda and I stayed up (in shifts) all night, holding Mommy's hand, moistening her lips, listening to her breathe and listening for her to start breathing again when she stopped. It was a long night. We didn't think she would make it to morning.

Today the medical supply people brought an oxygen concentrator, oxygen tank, and suction machine (since Mommy now has so much difficulty swallowing- so she doesn't aspirate).

She can no longer drink, so with dehydration and her falling blood pressure, it won't be much longer. At least the moist air (from the concentrator) will help with the dry mouth and throat.
She has a grimace from pain on her face, so we upped the morphine dosage, and give it regularly.
She opened her eyes a couple of times, but she's not seeing anything (of this world). I told her, "If the angels or your Mommy and Daddy come for you, you can go with them. You've been such a good Mommy and Grammy. We all love you."

As Sherry (the nurse assistant) says, "the angels are circling".

* Mommy has a fever of 101. Nicole (RN) says it's a "terminal fever".

Friday, November 18, 2011

Special Treatment


When we were sick, and if we passed the acid-test, i.e., threw up or had a fever, we got special treatment.

My kids will find this almost impossible to believe, but we only got carbonated beverages, e.g., "Coke", 7up, Ginger Ale, on certain special occasions. Other than our New Year's Eve traditional Ginger Ale float, the other "occasion" was being sick.

Upon completion of said initial "earping", we immediately put in an order for our beverage of choice (of course, we were limited to clear fluids if throwing up). If we had a fever, Coke was also acceptable, as long as the malady not accompanied by stomach upset. This actually made us almost excited to be sick!

Of course, any illness that lasted longer than a day, or fever that was above a certain (undetermined) level meant a trip to Dr. Ferguson.

His was a typical family doctor's office, complete with Coke machine (first the box type, later the upright one with the glass door), uncomfortable (if you were sick enough to be there, you were gonna be uncomfortable anyway) chairs, book of illustrated Bible Stories (I can still picture Jesus' temptation by Satan) and Hi-Lights magazines, and separate Colored Waiting Room (I don't think this meant that Dr. Ferguson was racist, it was just expected by both the white and "colored" patient population of the time - not that it made it right. Later, after segregation, it was a well-patient room, so that contagious patients wouldn't contaminate them... sort of the same principle.)

The counter/front desk and records area were manned by his very capable nurse, Toni. She wore a crisp starched white dress uniform, complete with nurses cap, white stockings and white nurse shoes. Her hair was styled into a french-twist with tight salt and pepper curls on the top.

When your name was called, you walked down the hall to the third (or fourth?) door on the left, which was Dr. Ferguson's office. Dr. Ferguson was a short rotund man with dark hair, balding on top, dark eyebrows and black framed glasses. He was seated at his desk, and you (the patient) sat in the chair at the side of it. He took a glass thermometer out of the holder (full of rubbing alcohol), wiping it off with a gauze square, shook it down, and placed it under your tongue. While waiting for the thermometer to be ready to be read, he took your blood pressure. Then he asked about what brought you to his office. He listened to Mommy's assessment of your illness, then if warranted, hollered, "TO-NI!"

You knew what it meant. You walked further down the hallway, escorted by the no-nonsense Toni. She instructed you to sit on the edge of the exam table, where you watched, with a mixed dread and fascination, as she took a glass syringe, glass plunger and needle assembly from the sterilizer, put them together, and drew-up the liquid from a bottle she took from a large glass fronted cabinet with other such vials and instruments held within. She readied a gauze square, and cotton ball soaked in alcohol, quickly swabbed your upper arm, stuck in the needle and injected the medicine. She pulled out the needle and asked you to hold the gauze square. After a bit she would check for bleeding and put a piece of tape over the gauze "bump". Your personal "red-badge-of-courage".

From the office we usually proceeded to Lakeshore Drug, to have the prescription filled. There, you knew that because you got a shot, you would be rewarded with a treat (usually a foil-wrapped Russell-Stover chocolate).
Then homeward to sip away on your 7up!

Mommy will only drink Ginger Ale right now, but since she's sick, she gets special treatment.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Depart in Peace


On Tuesday, Pastor Marcus Ring (the new Pastor at St. Paul), came to give Mommy communion. (He was going to Monroe for a Pastors' conference.) He said he had heard so much about "Margaret" from so many people at St. Paul, so he was glad to meet her.

She barely mumbled, but said "Amen" in the right spots, so she knew what was going on.
The readings and hymn he chose were definitely "last rites" material. When he was leaving, she told him "Thank you for going to all the trouble (of coming to see her)."

Today (Thursday) Pastor Paul came to give her communion, also. She was more despondent and not as aware of what was going on. He sang a couple of hymns for her, too. He really noticed the decline from how she was last time he saw her. Instead of saying "See you next month" like normal, he said, "You have my number."

I've been playing hymns sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and some of her favorite Bach on her cassette player. It is very calm and beautiful in her apartment, warm and cozy. Shadow is being very quiet and attentive to her. He can't get on the hospital bed, so he sleeps on a blanket on the floor.

Her sins are forgiven, and she is ready to go whenever the Lord calls for her.

~Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word
For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,
which thou hast prepared, before the face of all people
A light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people Israel.~

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Mommy's Favorite

"Mom always liked you best!" was a recurring act on a musical comedy show, in the late 60s, called the Smothers Brothers. Brothers,Tom and Dick, would sing and play a folk song (such as"Boil that Cabbage Down") and interrupt themselves with some comedy routine in which Dick would put Tommy down, to which Tom would retort that "Mom always liked you best". Definitely the stuff of which sibling rivalries are made.

When we were asked by Mommy to do a chore, we usually wanted to know, "Well, what is So-and-so doing?" She would either point out something they had done that we had gotten off the hook for, or simply said, "Nobody wants to do more work than anybody else!" - her admonishment for worrying what anyone else was doing, when we should be doing what she asked.

Another of our ploys to ensure there was equal work for all was for us to say, "Why do I always have to do ...?" (whatever she was asking us to do). Her answer was, "Because you do it better than anybody else!" Linda commented to me that "if she thought you did it better, then you would want to, so that everyone could benefit from your skill, and so Mommy's faith in you would be affirmed." She proved that she thought you were special, and that she believed in you. (Heck, I just thought she was saying that to make me do it!)

She understood that we were all, each our own person, an individual -She never expected us to be like one another.

Even if she left me at Girl Scouts (an hour late) until it was getting dark, and when I was finally picked up, said, as her excuse, "There were so many kids, I thought everybody was there!", I understood and wasn't the least bit traumatized.

We each knew in our hearts that if, IF she had a favorite - each of us thought, "it was ME!"


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

An Audience With Angels



Mommy has experienced a sharp decline in her health and state of being. This past weekend, she didn't want to get out of bed at all, but would allow John and I (it took both of us) to assist her to the bathroom. On Monday, she couldn't walk at all, and is experiencing such terrible pain all over that it feels like I'm "ripping all of her skin off" and "breaking her bones". She could do nothing, but cry out and say that I was "torturing her".

While struggling to change her and the bedding, I knew it was , without a doubt, time for the hospital bed. I asked the hospice nurse, Nicole, to order it for Tuesday.

Swallowing difficulties also came into the picture, and with that, the need to get some medications in liquid form- the others, I crush and add to a drink, which she can still swallow if I remind her to. She will not eat more than a few bites of food, at a time, and has to be reminded to chew and swallow.

Her legs have lost all muscle tone, and are swollen with retained fluid. She will probably not get up from the bed on her own, again.

To manage the pain, I am giving her liquid morphine, and to calm the agitation, Haldoperidol. You would think that those two (or even one of them) would knock her out, but they have quite the opposite effect.

They say that when a patient is near death, they report remarkable experiences and develop and expanded awareness which is called Near Death Awareness - a special knowledge about, and sometimes control over, the process of dying.

Mommy is experiencing all of the noted characteristics of this Awareness, and I spent the night in her room, listening to and recording all that transpired.
One of the characteristics is preparing for travel or change. She kept asking for her knob. "Knob?" I would ask. K-n-o-b, knob... after some time she realized the word she was looking for was "purse". You always have to have your purse when you go somewhere. She also said, "sign my will...", "be at church", and a "dressy dress".
The good news is, she is not alone - her room was filled with loved ones. She pointed some out to me:
"My mother is here, over there in the pink. "Please, please take me with you!"
Rae, "Here comes my big sister!" and Frieda were mentioned by name. There was such a crowd, and she was "holding court" - pointing and talking, waving, "hi". Some were standing in the room around her bed, others up at the ceiling. Her conversations and speech were more coherent than she has been in a long time (even when I spoke to her, she didn't have trouble hearing or comprehending). Once, as I entered the room she was talking to someone and smiling. She said, "Happy, happy, happy." Also, "I remember walking with you..."
She was trying to fold and fluff the comforter, "will need 2 dozen handkerchiefs".
"I hear a kid in there."
"What happened to Rae? I suppose she got married?"
"Eat more strawberries and garden products."
"Where're Mom and Dad? Do you have any idea?"
"Animal, caramel, general, muramel" ?
"I sound like I'm drunk, don't I, but I'm not."
She points and says, "My mommy" and next to that spot, "and my Daddy".
"When are we leaving?"
"Where are we going to?"
"I'll get to see a lot of them, there."
"Everything I brought out of here is going to a new city."
"We could go outside."
"Where is that sweet little kid?" (Janet?)
"... Christmas party... or Christmas..."
lists supplies for a big dinner, "of course, enough dishes are the problem."
"Everybody help... easier get together... beer, wine."
"I'm sure you remember, flowing water... I was laughing and laughing... "
"I'm not sure you were there for hugs... that's what it's all about... kids."

It may not be much longer, but at least we know she will not be lonely, and she seems happy to be going... so I am happy for her, too.