Better Off Without Him?

I choose to write this web log, not to necessarily relate day-to-day events in the care of Mommy, but to share the memories and love I have of and for her, before this thief crept into her brain and stole her thought processes and memories and her reason.

Today I'm frustrated. It's an ongoing thing, dealing with this, but it just seems to be building, yet when I type this (and you eventually read it), it may not seem to be that big of a deal... to you.
When I go in to the apartment in the morning to get Shadow for our morning walk, some mornings everything is as I left it the night before, and I know it has been a good night, but then there are mornings like today (and many other days, lately)... when it looks like "crazy had a party" (as I refer to it to John).

There are utensils on every surface, table, counter, bedside table, couch, all with some food clinging to them, dishes (or what "passes" for them- trivets, plastic lids, etc.) with food or crumbs on them on the floors or counters, crumbs everywhere! empty food containers or packages scattered on the table and counters... total disarray. Dog food, or other food, is also scattered by the door and everywhere. Kleenexes, used ones, are everywhere, and things are in very odd places (shoes in the refrigerator, snacks hidden in Kleenex boxes).

The worst part isn't the mess, (It only takes a little while to clean it up and restore order) it's the realization that my brilliant mommy is literally "losing her mind", and I am overwhelmed with sadness and despair.

I can't convey to her that Shadow doesn't need something to eat every time he barks. She is unaware of the many sounds that he is hearing and responding to. She can't remember that he has been fed, EVERY time he has been fed, and is either constantly feeding him, saving her food for him, foraging for food for him in the cupboard or refrigerator, and he's becoming fat (fatter than Daisy!). The lack of being able to communicate ~ understanding, processing and remembering information~ is totally frustrating. I imagine then, how much more frustrating and scary it is for her!

When she asks me to show her how to use the microwave or thermostat (we've had to "keypad lock" them), I have to hold back from saying, " You wouldn't remember or understand it anyway." I try at all times to be patient, I know she can't help it, but find my voice rising in a "scolding" tone when I try to tell her that Shadow has already been fed, or, yes, it's cold in here, you leave the door open for Shadow to come back in (to which she always responds that he opens it- as far as we've observed, he's much too stupid to master such a task), or if you wear something more than a slip or nightgown, you would be warmer, and I know you don't have much food in the refrigerator, if I leave stuff in there, you will feed it to Shadow. (I take every meal and snack in to her at its appointed time).

Poor Shadow. Much of the blame for what transpires gets heaped on him, when it is really the dreadful dementia that makes mommy do everything the way she does. Whenever we think, maybe it would be easier if we got rid of him, I have to say, but he IS a good companion for her (and a good watchdog), and her last remaining responsibility. If she didn't have him to worry about or get up to let him in or out, would she have any other reason to go on? Perhaps he is still a good motivator~ as long as we can bear to put up with his hole digging, and constantly reminding ourselves and the kids not to make a sound in the part of the house adjoining the apartment (laundry room, sun room, bathroom and kitchen) at her bedtime, so that he won't bark. (We also avoid using the garage door, and sneak in and out through the front door to go to our cars ~ John even lets the Mercedes roll silently into the street before he starts it to avoid setting Shadow's barking off. Daisy can't go in the backyard at night, either, let alone the kids.) But I also wonder, would she be better off without him? Would she have more peaceful rest? I don't know...

We would be less aggravated, perhaps, but would it be for the best? Am I just making him the problem, when I really am angry with Alzheimer's, and it's effect on Mommy?

Pray for me to have patience, and for her to have peace.