Sixth Sense

On Janet's birthday. Momma called me and said she was "ready for the funeral". I tried to press her to explain to whose funeral we were to go.? She said, "I don't know. I've got on the black dress." She didn't have any inkling as to the significance of the day, but on some level (sub-subconsciously), I think she related Janet's birthday to her the fact that she had died.

We don't often speak of her, but I always wonder, do I tell her again that Janet died if she asks? I hate having to break bad news to her over and over again. I sometimes think that the one blessing of this disease is that she can't remember that.

One day in particular, she was talking only about family that were gone. I came into the apartment, and she was so relieved to see me. "I've been trying to find Daddy's number at the Base, so he can meet all of us for supper." The book in her hand was not her address/phone book, but Portals of Prayer. I thought to myself, well she'll have better luck with that book. I answered her, "I think he'll be hard to reach."

She was determined that we were going to eat at IHop with Aunt Jessie and Uncle Max, and a big crowd of family. She kept insisting that they were going to be there. I told her they were still in Michigan. "Well, they're going to be late."

The entire time I was washing and drying her hair, she kept asking about Daddy, Jessie and Max. Even when I mentioned that Daddy had died, she continued to ask about him. She even put on perfume for the occasion. Though it was a Friday, I took her to lunch at IHop, as she was so determined to go. She didn't seem too disappointed that no one else showed up... maybe she had already forgotten it.

Later that same day, after we returned from eating, she said, "Now, my father is... gone?" Yes, I told her. Well, maybe she knows that, I thought. "Good, he'd be cold here." Maybe, not s0 much.

After a little bit, she said, "Where's Janet?" While I mulled over my answer, does she really want to know? She answered herself, "Oh, probably with the Hughes." Yes, I answered honestly... thinking, at least with Addie B.

She then began to talk about moving soon. She said that when she moved to another place, she would need to take Daddy's flag and "I think his ashes are in that urn".

When Linda came to see her the next day, she said to her that she needed to take those ashes with her when she moved. Linda said "Yes, when the time comes, you were going to have his ashes buried with you." Mommy said, "Oh, I don't know... He's still smoking. I don't know if I want to be smelling that cigar smoke."

*John was relating all of this to me when I returned from Matt's marching competition. I said, "Well, he is still smoking." Of course he looked at me, quizzically. "I haven't told you, because I didn't want you to think I was crazy, but for years since he died, I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what woke me... I smell cigar smoke. I look around for a cause, even turn on the porch light to see if anyone is outside smoking. Nothing. It's not fireplaces, it is distinctively cigar smoke. After a while, I just figure Daddy was here... maybe to thank John for the yard work, or more recently, to get me to check on Mommy."

John looks at me a little strangely, and says, "I've smelled it too. I always check on the air conditioner, cause I think maybe it's mold, but there is nothing in the a/c closet. Finally, I realize that it's cigar smoke I'm smelling."

We have a video monitor in mommy's apartment, so I can check on her without disturbing her. Whenever I wake up, for whatever reason, I go and take a look at it, to check on her. One time, I looked and saw for a brief moment, Daddy standing by her bed. He was illuminated enough for me to clearly see it was him - and to recognize that it wasn't him at the age he was when he died, but a younger version of him - but then in the next moment, a literal "blink of an eye", he was gone. When I went to get Shadow for his morning walk, Mommy said, "I had a terrible nightmare. Did Daddy die?"

I know it sounds crazy, and maybe you will think that the stress of caring for her is getting to me, or I was dreaming it, but I really believe that Daddy is here visiting her, reassuring and calming her in the night... letting me know when she needs me (I just seem to "know" when she needs me)... whatever...

I mean, we profess to believe in life beyond death, for me this is proof - proof I never asked for, but nonetheless...

"I see"... hear... smell (at least his cigar)... "dead people".